one year later

So this thursday will be one year since I graduated college - and oh what a year its been. Ive had my up and downs. . .

Biggest Down: still working at Target - i dont hate it every day now, just 9 out of 10 days - i think its more that I hate my position- I actually am fond of target but Hardlines blows and I completely suck at it!!!

Biggest Up: IM ENGAGED!!! it finally happened and I am so excited - I cant wait to marry Frank :) - if we can ever save up enough money to get there ;(

Lots on my mind - mostly all linking too how I am nowhere even close to where I want to be in my life or where I thought I would be. I am still living in my fiances mom's house, working at a job I hate. Dont get me wrong I love my fiance's family - but I want my own place OUR own place! I am 24 years old working a "real job", college graduate and now engaged and we are still living with his mommy. Me no likey. This new year coming up will probably bring a lot of change in my life - hopefully all for the better :)

First thing is first - I am moving out. . . with or with out Frank - I cant do it anymore, there are too many people in this house and lets face it - its not my family, I always feel like Im in the way or I am the odd man out here.

Once there is a new permanent place of residence - we will beging some serious soul searching on where to go with my career and what moves to make - we shall see

Its funny how much time you spend planning - and yet nothing turns out as planned - each day I am trying to tell myself to "just breath" - not to fret over the small things or get so worked up on what the future holds- that is how I am making it through the day right now

-lets see if I can keep this up this time (maybe that will be my new years resolution )

long time - no talkie

so i completley forgot about this site

so much has happened . . . graduated college, moved back to austin, now living with franks mom and working as a retail manager for Target.

Other than having Frank - my life pretty much blows right now. I HATE my job with a passion but dont know what else to do or where to go. At least I have a job and the money is pretty good. But I still hate feeling so depressed all the time.

I want to get my own place (at least one for me and frank) so I can stop mooching off his Mom (though she enjoys us being here) but I cant afford it and frank doesn't have a job so I would be paying all the bills - no bueno :(

Anyways - I feel like I am drifting away from my family and tha sucks even more - I just feel . . . LOST! Like I have no one to turn too

Yesterday was a bad day - had a dream that my father (dean) died and woke up in tears - sent him an email and listened to Garth Brooks all day - but it was a good day for me and frank :)

No bickering, spent the whole day together and last night he was soooo hyper -he was giggling like a little girl - but it made me so happy to know that I can make him laugh like that, and its moments like that make me realize he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with !!

Been feeling a little "off" latley - wondering if it may be soemthing - should find out today or tomorrow if it is what i think it could be. . . hhmmmm - dont know how to feel about it - but I guess I should wait and see before I get ahead of myself!

Anways- gotta jet

TTFN

going crazy

I don't know why - I have never been a jealous person - and its never realy mattered - but latley I feel like everything makes em upset and I am extremely protective of Frank - I don't say anything to him cuz I don't want to be the crazy girl - and i know he won't cheat on me and that he loves me - but i can't help but feel protective over him - i thinks its more of me affraid to loose him
I think its more that I have let him in more than I have ever let anybody else in - he knows me more than my family does - he can read me like a book - and I think that power he has over me scares me to death - he knows just what to say to make me feel better - he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. never before have I ever felt so loved and so safe

venting

So - i just can't seem to get over something that irritated me last night. When Frank and I were getting home from the grocery store, walking into our new apt another girl walked by - soem blonde girl who i think jsut finished working out. And of course frank was checking her out, thats not what bothered me, guys will do that wether you catch them or not so its not worth it to me to get upset at that, but then he kept staring to the point where he wasn't watching the door when he was trying to unlock it,a dn when he started talking to me he looked right past me and kept watching her walk away.

We talked about it, and he didn't he try and deny it or excuse it he apologized. which is good and I told him it hurt my feelings cuz it makes me feel that he doesn't care enough to look at me when he is talking to me, that some other girl was more important than me. GGRRRR - i know he didn't mean to, or mean to get caught (same thing), but it still makes me mad

You say you hate blondes -You say you don't like skinny girls - When we go out you tell me not to dress up to much - that you don't like it when girls wear to much make-up or perfume or spend to much time getting ready but it seems like when we are out they catch your attention more than I do. There are times when I want to dress up an be girly and you tell me there is no need b/c you love me when I'm in baggy clsoe and my hair thrown up with no makeup but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough

Whatever - I know he loves me, and I know he finds me attractive and that he would never cheat on me - but its still like what he hell do you want? they say girls are hard to read adn confusing - but geesh. I just need to get that off me chest

bored

so i am sitting here at work doing nothing - being bored - and wanting to gohome. . . if i didn't need the money so bad i would just leave. I need to get a new job - i miss working at the summer camp - i love the kids i miss the kids. . . scary huh? i want to get apermanent job at the rec center - i want to be active . .. again . .. scary!!

So goal for this summer is to loose wieght - i am not going to set a wieght goal or an amount - i just wnat to get healthy again. In the last couple months with my depression and feeling down and exhausted i let me self go. I didn't take care of myself and i burned through all my money - not i'm stuck in a bad place. though things are looking up there are still alot of things that i am anxious about. .. money/ school/ graduating. . .

why is life so hard? GGRRR

To my oldest sister: i love you, i'm glad we talked the otehr day, i am glad that you and i are becoming closer :) I am praying for you and the decision you have to make! This is proabbly one of the hardest things you may have to do, but just know that you are not in this alone! I wish i could be more help, i wish i could be there in mississippi with you. . . I love you and you will get through this!

To my younger sister: i don't understand you and the decisions you make. . . i don't know if i ever will. It upsets me more than you will ever know that you have decided to walk away from your family. . . for what? some low-life jack ass that will only bring you further down. You are such a smart and beautiful young woman and it pains me to watch you crumble like this. I just pray that in time, hopefully before it is too late that you will snap out of this. I hope you will realize that you can't spend your whole life living pay check to pay check without the meds you need and rely on drugs. . .that will land you in jail, the hospital or sadly the morge . . . please reconsider mom and dads offer - i love you and i am terrified everytime my phone rings that it will bring bad news.

My family is moving, everybody is broke, i have no money, don't know how i will pay for my next semester of school and all i need is to make it until december so i can graduate . .. after that - no clue!

money sucks

so its been a while - things here are certainly looking up. Frank adn i are doing great, school is going well and everything just seems like it some how works out. Everything except money that is. . . the problem with it? I don't have it. . . they say money can't buy happiness, but nothaving it certainly doesn't make things easy either. I work my ass off everyday, working 3 jobs and i still live pay check to pay check - its not like i even have huge bills or a lot of them for that matter - i jsut don't seem to be able to make it work. oh well ce la vie. Things have a way of working out - i need to take a break and see my family ( my parents, siblings and my nephew (i need the baby))!!

hhhmmmm

so found out this week that our roommate's parents are making him go home - which is good for him, but bad for me and Frank. We have to move out in a month and a half and all our plans for living are screwed now, we have no where to live and almsot no money. GGRRR

Today is my last day of training for campus rec, i work in the academic offices for a couple hours tomorrow- then CAMPS on MONDAY!! i am really excited and a little nervous. Lets see if hardwork really pays off. . .

I don't know, sometimes, it jsut pisses me off that it seems like i work my ass off everyday and i feel like i am going no where and that i have no control over anything- and yet there are people out there who don't do shit and life is handed to them on a silver platter! GGGRRRR I don't know, i guess life is what you make it and as long as i have the people i love in my life it is worth it to me :)