going crazy

I don't know why - I have never been a jealous person - and its never realy mattered - but latley I feel like everything makes em upset and I am extremely protective of Frank - I don't say anything to him cuz I don't want to be the crazy girl - and i know he won't cheat on me and that he loves me - but i can't help but feel protective over him - i thinks its more of me affraid to loose him
I think its more that I have let him in more than I have ever let anybody else in - he knows me more than my family does - he can read me like a book - and I think that power he has over me scares me to death - he knows just what to say to make me feel better - he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. never before have I ever felt so loved and so safe

venting

So - i just can't seem to get over something that irritated me last night. When Frank and I were getting home from the grocery store, walking into our new apt another girl walked by - soem blonde girl who i think jsut finished working out. And of course frank was checking her out, thats not what bothered me, guys will do that wether you catch them or not so its not worth it to me to get upset at that, but then he kept staring to the point where he wasn't watching the door when he was trying to unlock it,a dn when he started talking to me he looked right past me and kept watching her walk away.

We talked about it, and he didn't he try and deny it or excuse it he apologized. which is good and I told him it hurt my feelings cuz it makes me feel that he doesn't care enough to look at me when he is talking to me, that some other girl was more important than me. GGRRRR - i know he didn't mean to, or mean to get caught (same thing), but it still makes me mad

You say you hate blondes -You say you don't like skinny girls - When we go out you tell me not to dress up to much - that you don't like it when girls wear to much make-up or perfume or spend to much time getting ready but it seems like when we are out they catch your attention more than I do. There are times when I want to dress up an be girly and you tell me there is no need b/c you love me when I'm in baggy clsoe and my hair thrown up with no makeup but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough

Whatever - I know he loves me, and I know he finds me attractive and that he would never cheat on me - but its still like what he hell do you want? they say girls are hard to read adn confusing - but geesh. I just need to get that off me chest

bored

so i am sitting here at work doing nothing - being bored - and wanting to gohome. . . if i didn't need the money so bad i would just leave. I need to get a new job - i miss working at the summer camp - i love the kids i miss the kids. . . scary huh? i want to get apermanent job at the rec center - i want to be active . .. again . .. scary!!

So goal for this summer is to loose wieght - i am not going to set a wieght goal or an amount - i just wnat to get healthy again. In the last couple months with my depression and feeling down and exhausted i let me self go. I didn't take care of myself and i burned through all my money - not i'm stuck in a bad place. though things are looking up there are still alot of things that i am anxious about. .. money/ school/ graduating. . .

why is life so hard? GGRRR

To my oldest sister: i love you, i'm glad we talked the otehr day, i am glad that you and i are becoming closer :) I am praying for you and the decision you have to make! This is proabbly one of the hardest things you may have to do, but just know that you are not in this alone! I wish i could be more help, i wish i could be there in mississippi with you. . . I love you and you will get through this!

To my younger sister: i don't understand you and the decisions you make. . . i don't know if i ever will. It upsets me more than you will ever know that you have decided to walk away from your family. . . for what? some low-life jack ass that will only bring you further down. You are such a smart and beautiful young woman and it pains me to watch you crumble like this. I just pray that in time, hopefully before it is too late that you will snap out of this. I hope you will realize that you can't spend your whole life living pay check to pay check without the meds you need and rely on drugs. . .that will land you in jail, the hospital or sadly the morge . . . please reconsider mom and dads offer - i love you and i am terrified everytime my phone rings that it will bring bad news.

My family is moving, everybody is broke, i have no money, don't know how i will pay for my next semester of school and all i need is to make it until december so i can graduate . .. after that - no clue!

money sucks

so its been a while - things here are certainly looking up. Frank adn i are doing great, school is going well and everything just seems like it some how works out. Everything except money that is. . . the problem with it? I don't have it. . . they say money can't buy happiness, but nothaving it certainly doesn't make things easy either. I work my ass off everyday, working 3 jobs and i still live pay check to pay check - its not like i even have huge bills or a lot of them for that matter - i jsut don't seem to be able to make it work. oh well ce la vie. Things have a way of working out - i need to take a break and see my family ( my parents, siblings and my nephew (i need the baby))!!

hhhmmmm

so found out this week that our roommate's parents are making him go home - which is good for him, but bad for me and Frank. We have to move out in a month and a half and all our plans for living are screwed now, we have no where to live and almsot no money. GGRRR

Today is my last day of training for campus rec, i work in the academic offices for a couple hours tomorrow- then CAMPS on MONDAY!! i am really excited and a little nervous. Lets see if hardwork really pays off. . .

I don't know, sometimes, it jsut pisses me off that it seems like i work my ass off everyday and i feel like i am going no where and that i have no control over anything- and yet there are people out there who don't do shit and life is handed to them on a silver platter! GGGRRRR I don't know, i guess life is what you make it and as long as i have the people i love in my life it is worth it to me :)

Feeling Good!

So now I am offically certified as a professional rescuer, in first aid, CPR and AED! So, have no fear, I'll save you ( i hope)! LOL

This weekend was fun - Frank and I went to Texarkanas for his Best Friends birthday. It was a good, relaxing and fun weekend! Of course, what would an awesome weekend in Texarkansas be without Brianna (his 3 year old God-Daughter). Of course, him being the one who always says he wants a child, says he's not ready as soon as we get home! LOL Thought that was halarious!! I laughed!

Now this week I need to make it through one last week of working 3 jobs at once and school! Also, need to find a house or apt to rent and start making plans for moving! AAAHHH so much to do, seems like there is no time!

Talked to my little sister Bailey a little yesterday. I am so worried about and asked her to consider this deal my parents offered her. . . and of course she turns everything around and blames my Mom and Dad for the situation she got herself into. It pisses me off so bad. . . and honestly her ungrateful ass is going to end up in jail or dead with in the next year if she doesn't figure her shit out! But I'm the sister inher eyes, that "could do no wrong" and so she doesn't care what I say at all. But she blames my Mom for the lack of communication she has with the rest of the family (when she is the one who isolated herself) GGRRR - GROW THE FUCK UP BAILEY AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN GOD DAMB SITUATION!!!

ok so moving on- took my first summer I test (human Resourses Management today and i think i aced it!!) I hope i did - I need an A to keep moving towards graduating with Honors! I need a 3.4 and thats exactly where I am at! Cool huh? Anyways, i guess I need to get backto work now, but jsut decided to vent a little

Until we meet again!

HOORRAAYY

OBAMA WINS!! Take that Hillary Clinton! Barack Obama is the man who is going to change the nation, infact he already has. . . . and I HOPE he does not choose the polarizing, self centered, egotistical, manipulating bitch (Hillary Clinton) as his running mate for the General Election. She stand as the opposite of everything he stands for.

Anyways, Good luck Obama - we are behind you!!

EXHAUSTION

So this week has been awesome so far, but at the same time - exhausting! I started class for summer I (8:00 to 10:00 am), then go straight to work history and sociology, then i go to training for summer camp counselor until 6 or 7 at night. I am really excited about doing summer camps- but scared lol kids are scary!

I have this schedule for the next two weeks :( Also, on a good note, Franks little brother and sister are here visiting for the week (they are leaving thursday). Its nice having them around, and i know Frank is loving it! He misses his family, and i think with his parents getting a divorce he is trying to be more involved with his family (not that he had any lack of involvement anyways). I LOVE that about him- his family is the most important thing in his life :) makes me excited about our future.

This weekend i don't get much time to rest either, we are going to Texarkana to suprise his best friend for his birthday, so that will be non stop and then return on sunday to study for my first exam on monday and start over with the busy schedule cycle . . .. AAAHHHHH

I miss sleep! I love sleep . . where did you go?

weekend

So this weekend was fun! Lots of sun, lots of pool, lots of volleyball, and lots of friends!! We had a good three day memorial weekend! Grilling, beer pong, caught up with old freinds :)

Saw a good movie! Stephen King's The Mist!! Very well done, with a not so happy ending. My only complaint - if i invite people over to watch a movie and I express my distaste for people talking during a movie - shut the fuck up and stop talking - don't keep doing it!!! GGGRRRR I ended up just going to bed, since i had already seen the movie before, other wise i was about to start freaking out on soem people

Congratulations to Brian and Krista!! Best wishes and I am looking forward to the big day :)

180* (degrees)

So things seem to be turning around a little bit. . . not quite a complete 180, but better. I am making sure I am getting out in the sun and trying to stay positive. I am also working on loosing a little bit of wieght and getting healthy again. . . through all of this i kinda let myself go, cuz i just didn't care, and now i'm kinda down b/c of the fact that i let myself go. I don't know - that last 2 or 3 day have been good. NO TEARS!! My smile is back and I'm not as snappy as i have been.

Yes, there are still a few things I need to work on, but most importantly there are a few things I need to let go of. I can control things in my life and how I interact, but i cannot control others or thier actions. My paretns sold thier house 2 days ago, which is bitter sweet. I'm glad that the stress is over, and they got a hella good deal out of it, so i'm glad my Mom is in better spirits. . . and in just a couple weeks they will be like an hour or an hour and a half closer to me! I've started studying for the GMATs (Graduate Management Assessment Test) this week. I need to take the exam in august and its supposedly really hard - so hopefully I can keep this up!

Anyways, not 100% yet, but deffinelty on my way back to being the old me! Until next time

Facade

So latley i guess i am living a facade. I put on a happy face for all around me- maybe becasue i don't want to be the helpless one that everybody feels sorry for. I don't to be complaining all the time. I didn't feel like doing anything this weekend but i made myself go out and have fun. Which yes it was fun, but I had to fake fun to get to end result. I hate faking happy, like why do i have to pretend to make everybody else comfortable to be around me. But it goes well for a while, but then when it comes to just me anf frank I loose it- like everytime i suck it up and play friendly i crash ten times harder. . . at least thats what happened yesterday.

For the most part i was having a really good day, i was in a really good mood, bouncing around and happy and then last night i just started crying - - - whoaahh big suprise - - audrey? cry? yeah well, frank and i ended up staying up until like 2 in the morning talking about i guess me and my feeling and how i feel about us. I saw little bit of concern from him that maybe he was affriad i was going to leave him, but not really. I know he loves me, but sometimes it feels like he is not in-love with me! I guess sometimes I feel like he is settling for someone who he knows will take care of him - like i am some big sucker or joke. I know he wouldn't do that but i just feel like it. I can't say that to him without sounding rude and I can't convey it in words that he will inderstand. I guess i feel trapped.

I want so bad to beable to plan my future, and i know you can't plan for the future but why not. Why can't i have an idea of how i want to live me life and make it happen that way. My head tells me that I control my destiny adn my envirionment, but my heart tells me to jsut wait it out and see. but how long to wait? am i waiting for a sign? when will i know?

*sigh* guess i'll just have to wait and see

hhhmmmm

So, yet again, i spent last night crying, and i'm sitting here at work and all i want to do is go home and cry. That seems to be all I am good at latley. I am starting to think about a lot of things in my life . . . which makes me even more stressed, I break out more and then i cry more - its a never ending cycle.

I finally got my schedule for triaing and camp schedule for my new job. I am a summer camp counselor for kids run through the SFA Campus Rec center. I really thought I had nailed the leader position, but of courses i did not get it. I am jsut a camp counselor. In a way thatis kinda like ouch that hurts, but on the other hand I am kinda releived. I mean, i have never worked with children before and I am probably not the most qualified person for the job. Hey I am getting payed, so what do I care.

I am terrified that Frank will not change, i mean how can i change him. . . then he wouldn't be the man i fell in love with - but I deffinely can't live like this. I want to give it time, becuase i know he is smart and driven, he is just lazy - but how much time is enough? How long do i have to let myslef get upset before I walk away. Its not like he does anything on purpose to piss me off - he is actually an amazing boyfriend - which makes all this harder. But I know what I want out of life and I know the kind fo marriage i want- and i know that i don't want to be constantly fighting the same battle. I don't want to feel like i come second to his hobbies and even his dream career. That I can't deal with - I feel like i've expressed this but i can't get it through to him. Is it that I am not conveying my message right or is that he just doesn't want to hear it.

I don't know??!!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to chagne the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference"

spinning out of control

So my counselor last week expressed concerns about me going home. she was afraid that since so much of my pent up stress and depression ultimatley leads back to home that it was a bad idea - but i figured what the hell, its mother's day weekend, what could possible go wrong? -right?

WRONG!! Note to self - listen to your counselor! I find irony in the fact that the first time I express concern that my Mom will lapse outloud to someone else - that weekend my Mom goes and buys a bottle of wine. Now she didn't drink (Dad smashed it) but its still like WOAH! this could happen. I am still crying almost everyday since my first counselor appt. But i guess let me tell you about my weekend:

Thursday Itook my last final, worked till 5 then had to convinvce frank to stick to the plan to go home thursday- that night started crying on the way home (don't really know why) but i think its because i feel like Frank and I are growing apart. I am so afraid to loose him. So i get home and stay up till almost 2 in the morning talking - my mom and i talked about a bunch of things. I found out my sister left her boyfriend of two and half years and it got me thinking about frank. We talked about me and frank, and me putting my oxygen mask on. We also talked about soem of the things my counselor and I talked abotu with out me even bringing it up - and I think my mom said soem things that I needed to hear from her.

Then Friday my dad got home! YAY i miss him so much! Everything was fun. Got a little frustrated with Frank over the weekend because every time i tried to talk to him he would rush me off the phone in less than 5 minutes.

Saturday afternoon was fun - went to the mall with the family, then to dinenr at abuelo's. Thats when the weekend began to sucK! my Mom got all pissed off at my dad for some unknown reason and it turned into a huge ass fight. Jamie and I headed to the park to get out of the house - cometo find out my mom went to the store and bought a bottle of wine. That of course led to more arguing. Jamie and I got upstairs and talked. She confided in me soem stuff and we girl talked and played games and had fun!

So sunday- mother's day - first we are goign to FBG, then we are not going to FBG, then we are going the FBG, then we are not going to FBG and finally after many different arguments amongst the parents - we went to FBG. Hung out with the Grandparents and my Mimi. My Mom ended up taking too much medication and was drugged beyond comprehension. The ride home was quiet - talked to my Dad alittle, my mom passed out. Got home and things were better, the rents were talking, we watched August Rush and went to bed.

Monday - I made a big mess of things. I don't want to go into detail, but I stirred up the chaos and I feel bad about it, I know its not MY FAULT but i feel responsible for the wreck it created.

So we got back tuesday morning at 2 am - didn't get to sleep until around 3 and woke up at 8 for a counselors apt at 9. She and I talked about the weekend, my real dad, me and franks relationship. Then I went to the office to see when iwork thsi week. I went home to change and eat and talked to frank about some issues I am having with our relationship - i feel like he listened but he wants to aviod it all together. I know he loves me, but enough to get his act together? we'll see!

Girls Night Out

So I am really excited. . . tonight I am doing girls night out with both my Bosses Ms. Donna and Ms. Peggy. They are both so incredible to me. It will be nice to get pampered and girl talk and jsut hang out. Hopefully it will be fun! Then tomorrow is my last final at 8am (ugghh) and then i work until 5 , then we head to Austin!! Yay I am relly excited about going home. It will probably be my last time at that house. . kinda sad. But things change and so do people New adventures are upon us.

On a crap note: I creid again last night. I don't know why. Frankie and I were jsut goofing around and laughing havinga good time and out of no where *BAMB* I jsut got this really sad wave that came over me and I just cried. Grrr hopefully I will feel better soon, hopefuly when i go home this weekend I can get me insuraunce info from my mom and see a doctor sometime soon. i need something.

don't know

So today is going pretty well. Not really upset about anything. I did find out today that I got the job for the summer camp postion! I am really excited about it. I know it will deffintly be challenging, but i think it will also be rewarding. I have always wanted to work with kids at soem point, so here is my chance. I talked with my dad for a few online, so that was good. I miss my family and i can't wait to go home this weekend! Plus Frankie's Grandma is coming in from the Phillipines to day so she will be there, and Ilove her so i am excited. I've been thinking alot about my couseling session yesterday - i think there are two mre things i need to talk to her about that are effeting me : (1) Frankie and our relationship and (2) my biological father.

With Frankie some times i feel like I am settling, i don't see the passion that i have for a future in him, but can i really judge him because he is not like me, thats is one of the main things that i adore about him. I just tell myself that I am freaking out (as always) I'm afriad of settling, but I am more afraid of throwing away a great thing in my life.

With my Dad, I feel abandoned. How do you just walk away from your kids, how can you jsut leave them and not care. I mean, i know he cares, but it doesn't seem like he cares enough to try. He is mad at me for asking my Dad (Jeff) to adopt me last year, but can he really blame me. He is the reason I cried myself to sleep for so long, he is the reason i have a hard time trusting men. But at the same time, I love him, he will always be my Daddy, and I miss him, and i don't want to go the rest of mylife without not talking to him.

I don't know, sometimes I feel like my life is so screwed up. I know it could a hell of a lot worse and I do have a good head on my shoulders but geeze, can a girl catch a break. Its ok, like my counselor said - I need to put my oxygen mask on before I can help anybody else. I need to focus on me for a while, what is best for AUDREY!!

counselor

So today I went to go see a counselor. She was so sweet and very intuitive towards me. i feel a lot better, but i also feel like I have so much more I need to talk about. She really listened to me and even picked up on some things that I didn't even realize. i felt like she was very perceptive and knew how i felt. this was deffinalty a lot better experience than I felt two years ago at the couselors office. I am now a little nervous about going home this weekend, a lot of my pent up anger and anxiety stems from family and me trying to take on too much when i'm around them. I did make another appt to see her again tueday after i get back from austin. The good thing is, she doesn't think i am bi-polar, but she does think i have mild depression. Go figure. I feel a lot better, but no where near 100%. But i think counseling is something i should have done a long time ago. But she gave me a few small assignemtns. One write out my feelings or ideas or thoughts, which i have been doing latley. Another, soemthings i might want to talk about and also a list of goal that i want to accomplish in the next 6 months. All in all i think I have a good counselor that will be really beneficial for me to keep seeing!! I am tired of feeling sad and down, and i am excited to be moving forward, maybe its a new beggining!!

GGRRR

So I think I am going crazy . . . literally. I have spend the last couple months feeling down, teh last two weeks upset adnthe last week in tears. I start crying for no reason, i'm overly emotional and take it out on Frank. I feel so bad, He has been so amazing over this apst weekend. I spent everyday practically locked in our room sobbing and he just held me. My biggest fear is that I will carry on the family illness, Bipoalr Disorder is no joke and I have seen it affect all teh wemon in my life (my Mom, both sisters, Aunt, Grandma and Great Grandma), so far I have been lucky enough to evade it. But, alas i do beleive it has caught up with me. The thing that sucks the most is that I can't afford to go see a Dr. or the medication. I want to try and seek help, but I can't even get my Mom to talk to me for five freaking minutes.

I really jsut want her to be the mom to me that she is to everyone else. For years I have been the independent one, ergo I need no attention. She has always been my bestfriend, but now I don't know about that. Everytime I try to call her she brushes me off, promises to call right back and then I go days without hearing from her, and usually I am the one who calls her again. GGRRRR!!! Latley she is even closer to my step-sister than me. Which is good! I'm glad that they are getting along, don't get me wrong. But she talks to Jerry more than she talks to me and Jerry spent the first 11 years of our parents marriage being a hanious bitch to my Mom. Granted my mom wasn't always nice to her either. But i have never even back talked her or argued with her and she can't even take 5 minutes to fucking talk to me.

Anyways, back on topic. I am tired of feeling down, I am tired of crying everyday (sometimes 2 or 3 times a day) and I am tired of being so angry at the world. I just want to be myself again!

Confusion

So lately I've been feeling really down, for some reason I can't seem to stop crying. Its not that I like being sad, I actually am a very optomistic and happy person. Part of it makes me wonder if i'm bi-polar like everybody else in my family or if i'm just not happy. I don't mean to complain or go on and on about how my life sucks, cuz trust me I know that life could be a hell of a lot worse. But it jsut seems the last year God has certainly been testing me, and everytime Ithink I have made it back to the top and everything is looking good again, my world seems to fall apart.

Latley I feel like a no friends. I have my boyfriend and I have his friends, but sometimes it feels like just that. Like if we were to break up I would have no one. Not even my family. I know that yes they will "alway be there for me" but i can't even keep them on teh phone for 5 minutes before they rush me off. I need advice, i need guidance, i need some one to point me in the right direction and the only person who is around is my boyfriend, who by the way, half the time i can't tell if he really wants to be with me or if its jsut convinient. Mayeb i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

All i want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Maybe next time I'll be feeling a little better :)

Something New

So latley I have had a lot going on. . . sometimes i feel like a may be going crazy. So I decided to try something new. I;m am going to attempt to write my feelings and things out and try not to keep them in. . . we'll see how long i keep this up.

So lets start with the most hetic, a good friend of mine committed suicide this past weekend. We weren't best friends or anything, but i had known him for almost 3 years and he was always the nicest guy. We have also worked together for the past couple of month and were taking a class together. So just two weeks before the end of the semester, he said good bye. He is truly missed and I pray that he is much happier where ever he is now. I miss you Sam!

Oh and then there is graduation comming up. AHHHH can you believe it? I am graduting in Decemeber!! I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. All I know is that i am ready to hit the ground running!! Watch out world, here I come!!

Well I am at work, and we are about to have a counceling lunch for the teachers and friends of Sam, so I bid you ado.