GGRRR

So I think I am going crazy . . . literally. I have spend the last couple months feeling down, teh last two weeks upset adnthe last week in tears. I start crying for no reason, i'm overly emotional and take it out on Frank. I feel so bad, He has been so amazing over this apst weekend. I spent everyday practically locked in our room sobbing and he just held me. My biggest fear is that I will carry on the family illness, Bipoalr Disorder is no joke and I have seen it affect all teh wemon in my life (my Mom, both sisters, Aunt, Grandma and Great Grandma), so far I have been lucky enough to evade it. But, alas i do beleive it has caught up with me. The thing that sucks the most is that I can't afford to go see a Dr. or the medication. I want to try and seek help, but I can't even get my Mom to talk to me for five freaking minutes.

I really jsut want her to be the mom to me that she is to everyone else. For years I have been the independent one, ergo I need no attention. She has always been my bestfriend, but now I don't know about that. Everytime I try to call her she brushes me off, promises to call right back and then I go days without hearing from her, and usually I am the one who calls her again. GGRRRR!!! Latley she is even closer to my step-sister than me. Which is good! I'm glad that they are getting along, don't get me wrong. But she talks to Jerry more than she talks to me and Jerry spent the first 11 years of our parents marriage being a hanious bitch to my Mom. Granted my mom wasn't always nice to her either. But i have never even back talked her or argued with her and she can't even take 5 minutes to fucking talk to me.

Anyways, back on topic. I am tired of feeling down, I am tired of crying everyday (sometimes 2 or 3 times a day) and I am tired of being so angry at the world. I just want to be myself again!

Confusion

So lately I've been feeling really down, for some reason I can't seem to stop crying. Its not that I like being sad, I actually am a very optomistic and happy person. Part of it makes me wonder if i'm bi-polar like everybody else in my family or if i'm just not happy. I don't mean to complain or go on and on about how my life sucks, cuz trust me I know that life could be a hell of a lot worse. But it jsut seems the last year God has certainly been testing me, and everytime Ithink I have made it back to the top and everything is looking good again, my world seems to fall apart.

Latley I feel like a no friends. I have my boyfriend and I have his friends, but sometimes it feels like just that. Like if we were to break up I would have no one. Not even my family. I know that yes they will "alway be there for me" but i can't even keep them on teh phone for 5 minutes before they rush me off. I need advice, i need guidance, i need some one to point me in the right direction and the only person who is around is my boyfriend, who by the way, half the time i can't tell if he really wants to be with me or if its jsut convinient. Mayeb i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

All i want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Maybe next time I'll be feeling a little better :)

Something New

So latley I have had a lot going on. . . sometimes i feel like a may be going crazy. So I decided to try something new. I;m am going to attempt to write my feelings and things out and try not to keep them in. . . we'll see how long i keep this up.

So lets start with the most hetic, a good friend of mine committed suicide this past weekend. We weren't best friends or anything, but i had known him for almost 3 years and he was always the nicest guy. We have also worked together for the past couple of month and were taking a class together. So just two weeks before the end of the semester, he said good bye. He is truly missed and I pray that he is much happier where ever he is now. I miss you Sam!

Oh and then there is graduation comming up. AHHHH can you believe it? I am graduting in Decemeber!! I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. All I know is that i am ready to hit the ground running!! Watch out world, here I come!!

Well I am at work, and we are about to have a counceling lunch for the teachers and friends of Sam, so I bid you ado.