weekend

So this weekend was fun! Lots of sun, lots of pool, lots of volleyball, and lots of friends!! We had a good three day memorial weekend! Grilling, beer pong, caught up with old freinds :)

Saw a good movie! Stephen King's The Mist!! Very well done, with a not so happy ending. My only complaint - if i invite people over to watch a movie and I express my distaste for people talking during a movie - shut the fuck up and stop talking - don't keep doing it!!! GGGRRRR I ended up just going to bed, since i had already seen the movie before, other wise i was about to start freaking out on soem people

Congratulations to Brian and Krista!! Best wishes and I am looking forward to the big day :)

180* (degrees)

So things seem to be turning around a little bit. . . not quite a complete 180, but better. I am making sure I am getting out in the sun and trying to stay positive. I am also working on loosing a little bit of wieght and getting healthy again. . . through all of this i kinda let myself go, cuz i just didn't care, and now i'm kinda down b/c of the fact that i let myself go. I don't know - that last 2 or 3 day have been good. NO TEARS!! My smile is back and I'm not as snappy as i have been.

Yes, there are still a few things I need to work on, but most importantly there are a few things I need to let go of. I can control things in my life and how I interact, but i cannot control others or thier actions. My paretns sold thier house 2 days ago, which is bitter sweet. I'm glad that the stress is over, and they got a hella good deal out of it, so i'm glad my Mom is in better spirits. . . and in just a couple weeks they will be like an hour or an hour and a half closer to me! I've started studying for the GMATs (Graduate Management Assessment Test) this week. I need to take the exam in august and its supposedly really hard - so hopefully I can keep this up!

Anyways, not 100% yet, but deffinelty on my way back to being the old me! Until next time

Facade

So latley i guess i am living a facade. I put on a happy face for all around me- maybe becasue i don't want to be the helpless one that everybody feels sorry for. I don't to be complaining all the time. I didn't feel like doing anything this weekend but i made myself go out and have fun. Which yes it was fun, but I had to fake fun to get to end result. I hate faking happy, like why do i have to pretend to make everybody else comfortable to be around me. But it goes well for a while, but then when it comes to just me anf frank I loose it- like everytime i suck it up and play friendly i crash ten times harder. . . at least thats what happened yesterday.

For the most part i was having a really good day, i was in a really good mood, bouncing around and happy and then last night i just started crying - - - whoaahh big suprise - - audrey? cry? yeah well, frank and i ended up staying up until like 2 in the morning talking about i guess me and my feeling and how i feel about us. I saw little bit of concern from him that maybe he was affriad i was going to leave him, but not really. I know he loves me, but sometimes it feels like he is not in-love with me! I guess sometimes I feel like he is settling for someone who he knows will take care of him - like i am some big sucker or joke. I know he wouldn't do that but i just feel like it. I can't say that to him without sounding rude and I can't convey it in words that he will inderstand. I guess i feel trapped.

I want so bad to beable to plan my future, and i know you can't plan for the future but why not. Why can't i have an idea of how i want to live me life and make it happen that way. My head tells me that I control my destiny adn my envirionment, but my heart tells me to jsut wait it out and see. but how long to wait? am i waiting for a sign? when will i know?

*sigh* guess i'll just have to wait and see

hhhmmmm

So, yet again, i spent last night crying, and i'm sitting here at work and all i want to do is go home and cry. That seems to be all I am good at latley. I am starting to think about a lot of things in my life . . . which makes me even more stressed, I break out more and then i cry more - its a never ending cycle.

I finally got my schedule for triaing and camp schedule for my new job. I am a summer camp counselor for kids run through the SFA Campus Rec center. I really thought I had nailed the leader position, but of courses i did not get it. I am jsut a camp counselor. In a way thatis kinda like ouch that hurts, but on the other hand I am kinda releived. I mean, i have never worked with children before and I am probably not the most qualified person for the job. Hey I am getting payed, so what do I care.

I am terrified that Frank will not change, i mean how can i change him. . . then he wouldn't be the man i fell in love with - but I deffinely can't live like this. I want to give it time, becuase i know he is smart and driven, he is just lazy - but how much time is enough? How long do i have to let myslef get upset before I walk away. Its not like he does anything on purpose to piss me off - he is actually an amazing boyfriend - which makes all this harder. But I know what I want out of life and I know the kind fo marriage i want- and i know that i don't want to be constantly fighting the same battle. I don't want to feel like i come second to his hobbies and even his dream career. That I can't deal with - I feel like i've expressed this but i can't get it through to him. Is it that I am not conveying my message right or is that he just doesn't want to hear it.

I don't know??!!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to chagne the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference"

spinning out of control

So my counselor last week expressed concerns about me going home. she was afraid that since so much of my pent up stress and depression ultimatley leads back to home that it was a bad idea - but i figured what the hell, its mother's day weekend, what could possible go wrong? -right?

WRONG!! Note to self - listen to your counselor! I find irony in the fact that the first time I express concern that my Mom will lapse outloud to someone else - that weekend my Mom goes and buys a bottle of wine. Now she didn't drink (Dad smashed it) but its still like WOAH! this could happen. I am still crying almost everyday since my first counselor appt. But i guess let me tell you about my weekend:

Thursday Itook my last final, worked till 5 then had to convinvce frank to stick to the plan to go home thursday- that night started crying on the way home (don't really know why) but i think its because i feel like Frank and I are growing apart. I am so afraid to loose him. So i get home and stay up till almost 2 in the morning talking - my mom and i talked about a bunch of things. I found out my sister left her boyfriend of two and half years and it got me thinking about frank. We talked about me and frank, and me putting my oxygen mask on. We also talked about soem of the things my counselor and I talked abotu with out me even bringing it up - and I think my mom said soem things that I needed to hear from her.

Then Friday my dad got home! YAY i miss him so much! Everything was fun. Got a little frustrated with Frank over the weekend because every time i tried to talk to him he would rush me off the phone in less than 5 minutes.

Saturday afternoon was fun - went to the mall with the family, then to dinenr at abuelo's. Thats when the weekend began to sucK! my Mom got all pissed off at my dad for some unknown reason and it turned into a huge ass fight. Jamie and I headed to the park to get out of the house - cometo find out my mom went to the store and bought a bottle of wine. That of course led to more arguing. Jamie and I got upstairs and talked. She confided in me soem stuff and we girl talked and played games and had fun!

So sunday- mother's day - first we are goign to FBG, then we are not going to FBG, then we are going the FBG, then we are not going to FBG and finally after many different arguments amongst the parents - we went to FBG. Hung out with the Grandparents and my Mimi. My Mom ended up taking too much medication and was drugged beyond comprehension. The ride home was quiet - talked to my Dad alittle, my mom passed out. Got home and things were better, the rents were talking, we watched August Rush and went to bed.

Monday - I made a big mess of things. I don't want to go into detail, but I stirred up the chaos and I feel bad about it, I know its not MY FAULT but i feel responsible for the wreck it created.

So we got back tuesday morning at 2 am - didn't get to sleep until around 3 and woke up at 8 for a counselors apt at 9. She and I talked about the weekend, my real dad, me and franks relationship. Then I went to the office to see when iwork thsi week. I went home to change and eat and talked to frank about some issues I am having with our relationship - i feel like he listened but he wants to aviod it all together. I know he loves me, but enough to get his act together? we'll see!

Girls Night Out

So I am really excited. . . tonight I am doing girls night out with both my Bosses Ms. Donna and Ms. Peggy. They are both so incredible to me. It will be nice to get pampered and girl talk and jsut hang out. Hopefully it will be fun! Then tomorrow is my last final at 8am (ugghh) and then i work until 5 , then we head to Austin!! Yay I am relly excited about going home. It will probably be my last time at that house. . kinda sad. But things change and so do people New adventures are upon us.

On a crap note: I creid again last night. I don't know why. Frankie and I were jsut goofing around and laughing havinga good time and out of no where *BAMB* I jsut got this really sad wave that came over me and I just cried. Grrr hopefully I will feel better soon, hopefuly when i go home this weekend I can get me insuraunce info from my mom and see a doctor sometime soon. i need something.

don't know

So today is going pretty well. Not really upset about anything. I did find out today that I got the job for the summer camp postion! I am really excited about it. I know it will deffintly be challenging, but i think it will also be rewarding. I have always wanted to work with kids at soem point, so here is my chance. I talked with my dad for a few online, so that was good. I miss my family and i can't wait to go home this weekend! Plus Frankie's Grandma is coming in from the Phillipines to day so she will be there, and Ilove her so i am excited. I've been thinking alot about my couseling session yesterday - i think there are two mre things i need to talk to her about that are effeting me : (1) Frankie and our relationship and (2) my biological father.

With Frankie some times i feel like I am settling, i don't see the passion that i have for a future in him, but can i really judge him because he is not like me, thats is one of the main things that i adore about him. I just tell myself that I am freaking out (as always) I'm afriad of settling, but I am more afraid of throwing away a great thing in my life.

With my Dad, I feel abandoned. How do you just walk away from your kids, how can you jsut leave them and not care. I mean, i know he cares, but it doesn't seem like he cares enough to try. He is mad at me for asking my Dad (Jeff) to adopt me last year, but can he really blame me. He is the reason I cried myself to sleep for so long, he is the reason i have a hard time trusting men. But at the same time, I love him, he will always be my Daddy, and I miss him, and i don't want to go the rest of mylife without not talking to him.

I don't know, sometimes I feel like my life is so screwed up. I know it could a hell of a lot worse and I do have a good head on my shoulders but geeze, can a girl catch a break. Its ok, like my counselor said - I need to put my oxygen mask on before I can help anybody else. I need to focus on me for a while, what is best for AUDREY!!

counselor

So today I went to go see a counselor. She was so sweet and very intuitive towards me. i feel a lot better, but i also feel like I have so much more I need to talk about. She really listened to me and even picked up on some things that I didn't even realize. i felt like she was very perceptive and knew how i felt. this was deffinalty a lot better experience than I felt two years ago at the couselors office. I am now a little nervous about going home this weekend, a lot of my pent up anger and anxiety stems from family and me trying to take on too much when i'm around them. I did make another appt to see her again tueday after i get back from austin. The good thing is, she doesn't think i am bi-polar, but she does think i have mild depression. Go figure. I feel a lot better, but no where near 100%. But i think counseling is something i should have done a long time ago. But she gave me a few small assignemtns. One write out my feelings or ideas or thoughts, which i have been doing latley. Another, soemthings i might want to talk about and also a list of goal that i want to accomplish in the next 6 months. All in all i think I have a good counselor that will be really beneficial for me to keep seeing!! I am tired of feeling sad and down, and i am excited to be moving forward, maybe its a new beggining!!