Facade

So latley i guess i am living a facade. I put on a happy face for all around me- maybe becasue i don't want to be the helpless one that everybody feels sorry for. I don't to be complaining all the time. I didn't feel like doing anything this weekend but i made myself go out and have fun. Which yes it was fun, but I had to fake fun to get to end result. I hate faking happy, like why do i have to pretend to make everybody else comfortable to be around me. But it goes well for a while, but then when it comes to just me anf frank I loose it- like everytime i suck it up and play friendly i crash ten times harder. . . at least thats what happened yesterday.

For the most part i was having a really good day, i was in a really good mood, bouncing around and happy and then last night i just started crying - - - whoaahh big suprise - - audrey? cry? yeah well, frank and i ended up staying up until like 2 in the morning talking about i guess me and my feeling and how i feel about us. I saw little bit of concern from him that maybe he was affriad i was going to leave him, but not really. I know he loves me, but sometimes it feels like he is not in-love with me! I guess sometimes I feel like he is settling for someone who he knows will take care of him - like i am some big sucker or joke. I know he wouldn't do that but i just feel like it. I can't say that to him without sounding rude and I can't convey it in words that he will inderstand. I guess i feel trapped.

I want so bad to beable to plan my future, and i know you can't plan for the future but why not. Why can't i have an idea of how i want to live me life and make it happen that way. My head tells me that I control my destiny adn my envirionment, but my heart tells me to jsut wait it out and see. but how long to wait? am i waiting for a sign? when will i know?

*sigh* guess i'll just have to wait and see